“I match energy. So you go ahead and decide how we gon’ act today.”  -Every Content Creator in 2024.

Is it just me, or was the idea of “matching energy” a major theme in 2024?  A recovering people pleaser myself, at first I was captivated, and challenged, by the idea of matching energy, of not giving my good energy to someone who was giving me bad energy or no energy at all.  It’s tough for me, after all, to keep from giving too much of myself and ending up overextended and heartbroken.  I spent a good bit of time pondering this over 2024 and, both personally and professionally, have decided NOT to put  “matching energy” into practice in my life.  Here’s why, and a few ‘what ifs’ I ask myself instead:

In order to match energy, I must place control of my actions into the hands of another person.  If they’ve decided a particular situation is a “low effort” situation, then in order to match energy, I must follow suit.  This doesn’t sit well with me, having learned long ago that the only actions I can truly control are my own.  Hallmarks of emotional intelligence are the abilities to own one’s own behavior and decisions, admit when they fall short, and do the growth work needed to correct oneself.  If I believe I exist to make a difference in the world, then there are situations in which my energy is needed, and allowing someone else’s lack of enthusiasm to squash my own may deprive me of the opportunity to do what I was created to do.  I’m simply not willing to turn over the reins of my own choices to another, even if it means I get to turn over the blame as well.  What if I determine, in every situation, to decide my own energy and show up accordingly?

Not only does matching energy turn over control of my decisions to another, it also surrenders my sense of self.  There have been some incredible obstacles overcome in order to make me the person I am.  Huge amounts of love, grace, pain, healing and growing have gone into the shaping of me.  I’ve simply come too far NOT to show up as myself.  When I match energy with another, I allow myself to be absorbed into the attitudes and identity of another person.  I am learning that when I do so, I devalue myself AND that other person as I decide that there isn’t room for both of us to show up authentically.  What if I refuse to bring anything other than the energy that is truest to who I am and who I want to be in any given situation, and somehow in that process, give the other people in my life the gorgeous permission to do the same?

Matching energy keeps focus on the behavior of another, and puts us all at risk of never getting to have a real conversation or find out the real behind the scenes truth.  Say someone has been approaching a work project in a low energy or even a negative way.   Low or negative energy could be a personal challenge, or it could be a signal that something is unhealthy or impractical in our set of expectations about the issue at hand.  What if we ask ourselves, “Is there something this person is dealing with that is affecting her ability to show up?”  or “We seem to be having trouble getting into a good flow with this.  Are there unclear ideas about this issue?  Is it really our best course of action?”  Low energy or effort in a relationship might mean the other person is using me.  I can match energy and return the assumed favor, OR I can open myself to learning.  Maybe the other person just isn’t in a place to give this relationship or project what I think it deserves.  Maybe I’m seeking relationship or professional partnership with people who don’t share my values.  What if, instead of matching energy, we initiate an honest conversation about what might be going on behind the scenes, and even if painful, make some real progress in the process?  

When I find myself feeling like I’m the only one giving good energy to a relationship or a project, and I’m starting to get anxious, frustrated, and resentful, it may be time to admit that my particular energy isn’t what is needed or wanted in a given relationship or situation, and that’s a hard pill to swallow.  Even harder, in my opinion, is the surrendering of my energy entirely by matching it with a lesser one.  There may be times I learn that I need to remove myself from a relationship or a professional environment, and that is such a heartbreaking decision to make.  Even more painful, however, is the idea of never experiencing a life where I can give the gift of the self that is uniquely my own, sometimes setting the energy of a dynamic, sometimes changing it, meanwhile learning that the energy that is mine alone has a place and purpose in this world.

In this New Year, you won’t find me matching any energy.  You will find me bringing my own energy, in a way that feels authentic and true for me.  You will find me growing in love and generosity, and giving all I can, humbly admitting when I’m not the best fit.  You will find me learning to enjoy and dignify my own energy, and giving those around me the freedom to do the same.  Here’s to an authentic way of life, to playing our unique parts in this beautiful world, and to bringing our own energy every time.